Drifus' Travels

Well today is mom’s ceremony in San Jose, Ca. Jason, Heather, Tim, Grandma, Alan, Patty and dad will attend. My mother was a wonderful person, she loved helping people which is what she did as a Social Worker for St.Joesph Hospital in Kirkwood, Missouri. She also worked at St.Louis County Hospital before that. She would always do her best to place people who could no longer care for themselves. She always made sure it the best place for them and their needs.

I find it ironic that what she did for a living is how she spent her final years, living at a skilled nursing center.

My dad has had it rough the past maybe 10 years, watching the woman he loved slowly deteriorate. He has never put a guilt trip on me for not visiting the years I did not make it out. While I know he still has/had feelings for mom, I am hoping that he will move on very soon and live for the now.

Well we are back from San Jose California as of Wednesday night. The flight out was ok, nothing to noteworthy except maybe flying with 2 laptops, a GPS and a digital camera isn’t always the most fun. Surprisingly no hassle besides the extra long scan time. The layover in Denver was painless, a friend of our was going to meet us there but we asked her to decline due to the fact she would have to pay to enter the airport. The last leg to San Jose was decent as well, then the rental car clusterf**k. For the most part I don’t mind people of other nationalities working in America as long as there are legal and pay attention when working with you. Case in point, we check in to Thrifty Rental Car and there was this oriental lady who was very pleasant. The problem was is that she was obviously trained to think each transaction would be identical. I made the reservation in Beths’ name and used her bank card, when we arrived we wanted to use her company card instead. On top of that this lady would only speak to me. This ordeal took about 25 minutes and to this day I do not think she understood. If she would have slowed down and listened to us it would have been a 10 minute check-in, by the way we were the only ones in line the entire time.

So we drive to my dad place arriving at about 10:30pm PST and drag our stuff in, hug dad and meet his roommate, Sean. The 4 of use are talking about different things just catching up on things and about 1:30amPST we turn in. It is Sunday now and we head out to Denny’s for breakfast, I try to get to CA every year but this time it’s been about 3 years. I had forgotten what it’s like to feel like a minority, there were at least 100+ seated, 15 employees, 25 people waiting to be seated and us 4 white breads. WOW! I did notice that Hispanics and Latinos have large families usually 6+, which can work to Caucasian families advantage. It’s easier to get a table for 4 then 6+, similar for a party of 2 vs. a party of 4. An interesting observation.

Well anyway we order food and it is delivered rather quickly and of course it was very tasty and surprisingly for as busy as they were it was all correct. After breakfast (11:00am) I dropped dad and Sean off as Beth and I had to get a few things at Walgreens and would return later. We got back and hung out and talked about the mishap with scheduling moms cremation. Dad thought it would only take a few days but in actuality it would be 2 weeks. This explains why Beth and I were in CA much to early, but actually I am very glad, it was nice to have one on one time with dad. If we had come out for the actual ceremony we might have got lost in the shuffle, this was much better.

I know I am missing some things but on Sunday night we are sitting in the living room and Beth thought the floor looked extra shiny in one area. Upon inspection it turned out it was wet, after more investigation we saw water pooled in the mildly sunken hearth of the fireplace. Well this cleanup turned out to be a 3 hour chore and a call to maintenance (this is a condo). Meanwhile Beth and I go outside to see if we can divert to flow of water, Beth grabbed a ladder and cleaned out the gutter which looked like a tsunami coming out of the downspout. I grabbed some bricks to force the water away from the house, while things looked good we headed to a hardware store for a hose to connect to the downspout. Now it gets funny again, we are in California it rains there more than at my house in Missouri. So first we ask and were told to go to an area of the store so we both scour the shelves and find nothing. Next we headed outside to the plant area since these things can be stored outside without issue, again nothing. So we ask another employee and he directs across the store and we hunt again, viola we fine ONE style yes ONE! In Missouri even at the smallest hardware store I know I can fine at least 3 for sure. Well we grab the one style they have and headed back home. Once back home we fit the drain hose over the gutter and use the bricks to hold the hose in such a way that the water is diverted down the sidewalk. So now that we are wet and finished we head back into the house and finish mopping up the water. I would say that we probably mopped up about 10 gallons including what was in the soaking towels that were thrown in to the wash. We go back to visiting and monitoring the floor and all looks good. The maintenance people come by and take pictures of the damage, the water seeping up from underneath the Pergo floor (which is apparently the more expensive version plus no longer made). The maintenance guys then went outside and tried to find where the water was coming from. They suspected the chimney and wrapped it in plastic. They said that they would report the damage to management and recommend replacing the whole floor.

Well Monday rolls along and we are just kind of taking it easy and my dad says to me “like you fixing things right”? of course Beth and I say “sure”. He tells me that the upstairs toilet has been giving him fits for some time and that they (Sean and him) have replaced some of the parts. I go up and take a look and see part of the problem, the chain is too long and getting sucked under the flapper. While I make the adjustment, you guessed it, the metal arm of the flusher breaks and there is no way to use whats left. I tell dad of the lack of progress and that I am heading back to the hardware store for a part. While I am there I decide to get a handle with a plastic arm as it will last longer and to completely remedy the situation I also purchase a new flapper. Once back home I install the 2 items and everything was fine, dad said the next day that he believes it’s fixed, YEAH!

Also on this day dad and I went shopping for an Urn for moms remains as she wanted to be released over the Pacific Ocean. We went to a local mall and checked around and were not having much luck. The last person we talked to said go the Macy’s Mens store at the other end of the mall. We headed down there and each went a direction to cover more area. In a few minutes I found one that I liked but as I was walking around I began to like it less. It began to look more like a lantern without windows and more medieval, not good for an item to remember your mother by. I catch up with dad and he likes it too but I tell him I am no longer sure. Well we are walking around together now and I stop at a table with 3 vase-like items and I am starring at them. Dad comes up behind me and sees the 3 I am looking at, I am actually focusing on one in particular. It’s kind of dark green brushed metal, I’ll have a picture posted soon. Well dad looks at them and points to the one I had already picked, I tell him that is the one I liked as well, so we leave the medieval one behind and head off to purchase the vase. We get to the counter, the listed price was $159 marked down to $139, well the lady that was ringing us up (who is very pretty by the way) says that she is going to take an additional 20% off, then she scans it and it’s been marked down another 50%, so were out the door for $78, nice. So now we needed a top for the vase, to make a long store short we found an unfinished drawer knob and a stain marker at Michaels, it turned out great.

Like I said I am missing some events, now it’s Tuesday and Beth and I offer to do any errands that dad needs done related to moms death. So we are assigned to take the urn to the Neptune Society so when they are done with the cremation they can put her ashes in it. So off we go and find the place, we also ask to see the area that will be used for the ceremony. This is what is done after the ceremony.

Sea Scattering/Naiad:

Our yacht, the Naiad, provides sea scattering services. Ocean scatterings take place at designated areas in the majestic San Francisco Bay including locations near the Golden Gate Bridge. A memorial service can be held onboard before or after the scattering service. The Naiad is available for private services and sea scatterings in the waters near the Golden Gate Bridge. Light refreshments and flowers are included in the price of your service.

So after going here we headed off to Mission Skilled Nursing where my mom spent the last 7 years of her life.

These are pictures of the ceremonial room.

Dad asked that I go here and take what I want, but bring back the TV & VCR. So I went through 3 large bags of things. The pictures above I found plus a whole lot more, a couple of teddy bears, her glasses and her teeth. Don’t ask why, I am sure I will part with them, I think for the most part was when my grandmother died I wasn’t given this opportunity. So I grabbed what I felt were the more important things. I called my brother later and asked if he wanted anything and he said that he did not want anything. So I am the keeper of the items for now.

This was hard to do as many times visiting my mom here were probably the most painful times during my moms battle with cancer. It’s very hard to watch a parent diminish and wither away. I am thankful I hadn’t seen mom in a few years, I am sure she was very gaunt looking and that’s an image I rather not have to remember her.

Well there is where it hit me that she was really gone. I eventually composed myself and packed up the car and left. The rest of the trip was more or less uneventful. The plane from Denver to St.Louis was an “express jet” WOW they are small. I began to feel claustrophobic as the plane was nearly full. I looked out the window and also grabbed one of my magazines and I began to feel better.

Well that’s enough of this, I promise the next post to be lighter and shorter…

At approximately 2:30pm PST my mother passed away after a 23 year battle with brain cancer, she was 63. The actual cause of death was an “overdose” of radiation. Back in 1986 cancer was not well understood and treatments sometimes were trial and error. Her tumor was literally in the top of her head and about the size of a quarter. She was given chemotherapy and radiation treatments like most cancer patients of the time. Eventually the tumor while it did not shrink it did stop growing. For a couple of years after the treatment she did fine, she returned to work and was the mom we knew and loved.

Over time her capacity reduced to the point that even a simple filing job was difficult. Then driving was an issue, she had an incident where she spun the car around on the highway and hit the guardrail. Luckily there was very nice gentleman who stopped and made she was ok. After that incident mom (and I am sure dad and the doctor) decided that she would give up the freedom of driving. It pained her greatly losing a freedom that most of us take for granted. From there she began to loose her balance once in a while, this caused additional medical issues but nothing earth shattering. In about 2000 she was admitted to a “senior care center” at the ripe age of 57. I would try to visit yearly and each time you could see the change, some years more than others. The first year I visited she had been admitted just a few months earlier. While she laid in bed, dad and I put up an artificial tree, she was very happy that day and loved to talk about past Christmas’.

It was very interesting visiting her she could remember things that she had never told me before, things when I was just 2 years old. On the flip side she would ask every 20 minutes what were going to do that day. Then once in a while she would say that she was ready to go home. That was probably my second worse day, how do you tell someone that they are not going home. Will never lay next to the man that she loved for 35+ years. Looking back then, the tumor was an ally. Because of her missing short term memory you could change topics and she would not remember what she had asked. Other visits were just as hard, like the time and this happened often, you would walk into the room and you could see the look on her face as if she had never met you before. Sometimes when visiting she would call me by my brothers name, granted people do this with all of their faculties in tact. I was never hurt by that but she had never done that before. Another time I remember was after I was divorced and visiting her with my new girlfriend. She thought that she was a girl I dated in high school.

Well in her last years she lost physical abilities, standing, walking, the ability to help herself up in bed. Eventually it was reading, writing, attention span, speech and fine motor skills (feeding herself). In August 2008 she fell at the nursing home and had to be rushed to the ER. She had bruises and was sent home the next day. That day a nurse noticed that she seemed more confused than normal and though she should return to the hospital. Well they found a small hematoma in her head and were not sure if the effects were going to be permanent or if she would recover even a little bit. Well she recovered enough to return to the senior center but she eventually faded again. Her living will was such that no heroic measures be taken.

On December 21st 2008 I received this from my dad.
“I wanted to update both of you on mom’s current condition. She continues to lose her ability to swallow and is rapidly losing weight-about 30 pounds in the last couple of months. Sometimes when I visit she definitely seems to know me, smiling and making eye contact. Other times she does not make eye contact and appears out of it. The nurse at the nursing home said that her awareness of the nursing home personnel, people whom she sees everyday and who she recognizes, has dropped off markedly in the last couple of weeks. ”

On February I got the call and this is what my dad sent to the rest of the family and friends.

“Karen died today. Her brain stopped working. I was with her when she stopped breathing. It was quiet and painless.

She had fought her illness for years and years. This morning when I saw her
she was unresponsive. Her eyes had rolled back in her head. When I saw her I whispered in her ear that it was O.K. for her to go, that I would always love her. About 4 hours later she died.

The Neptune Society picked up her body. Her ashes will be sprinkled over the Pacific. We will have a memorial service in 2 or 3 days.

I feel confused, sad and numb. Been waiting, expecting it to happen for a
long, long time. Now that it has, don’t quite know how to react to it.
Basically, I think it was time. She had no quality of life remaining.

She was a wonderful mother and wife.”