Well this was my second major holiday without Beth. Still feels really weird, as much death as I have experienced in the past 5 years hers still gets to me. I know it was only 4 months ago and I saw her “at rest”, but I still feel as if I could call her or see her. I also guess because the end was so quick, I feel if there were things we still had to talk about. The fact that I can not remember some things we talked about bother me as well. This relationship was so good for me in so many ways, but I feel as if the “cord” has been pulled on me as well. I always felt safe and loved and I reciprocated as well.

Sure I have made some friends mostly women as I am participating in online dating. But there are so many times when I am home alone. If I have nothing pressing or I am not motivated to do anything, I can get very sad and just start crying. I really really miss companionship, when I was younger I was always good on my own. I could go outside and play for hours without a thought of doing something by myself. I also know that Beth and I had a co-dependent relationship which I do not believe is a bad thing as we lived in a very synchronized way. We each did the “chores” without feeling put out or feeling as if either one of us was doing all the work.

Now I have my own place that I have created and hand picked all of the furnishings and decorations. I can feel myself becoming selfish as I want my surroundings to stay as such, but I want someone in my life. Other times I feel like setting a date and if I have no one in my life by then, that I give up and just take care of myself.

Ok “How I spent my Holiday”. Tammy (one of my G-f’s, not girlfriend, girl-friend) picked me up and we headed off to some heated golf tee’s in OFallon as a part of the Christmas Eve party I planned via Facebook. I think we each hit about 70+ gold balls. What was funny and good, was the fact that it had snowed much of the morning. So when we arrived we could not really follow the balls as we hit them. I was able to follow a few to see that I was doing alright for a 3.5 year absence. Tammy also was doing pretty good as for her absence was similar to mine. I look forward to going back for some more ball-crushing action (don’t go there).

No one had contacted us about joining the party, so we went off to stage 2 and saw a movie, The Fighter with Mark Wahlberg. I was a very good movie based on the true story of Dick Eklund and Nick Ward who are brothers that both became professional boxers. It’s just shy of 2 hours long but worth it in my opinion. So after the movie we are walking down the hallway and I step on something. I look down and it’s a cell phone. I asked a few people if it was theirs, which was denied by all, so I turned it in to the theater. So we get out and the snow had started back up apparently while we were watching the movie. Well it was about 4:30ish and though that it would be a good time to head off to the Ameristar.

Well with the new snow and the time of day on Christmas Eve, it took longer than normal to arrive but we did without incident. While on our way Tammy called a friend Cindy and then gave me the phone as she was driving. I talked to Cindy and tried to convince her that she should join us. She said that her cousin was coming to get her (Cindy either worries or is afraid of many things). So I then told her if her cousin decides the drive is to hard across town (30 miles probably) to call us back and we would come get her.

OK so we are at the Ameristar, we check in, up to the room which is nicely appointed. We decided to go swimming/hot-tub first to relax from golfing. The pool is very nice, it’s an indoor/outdoor style laid out in an “H” pattern in 4 shades on 1 inch blue tiles. We spent most of the time in the hot tub talking about anything and comparing previous travel experiences etc. We eventually got in the pool and shortly after wards I headed to the passage to the outside part of the pool. The water was still quite warm and the steam coming off of it made me feel like a rock star. I stood up many times (It was maybe 29 degrees that night) and then sunk back down in the pool. Occasionally I was go down as far to get to my ear lobes to add some warmth to my head. I felt as if I had confirmed something that I think I have always known, I like the cold as I feel more alive. I really enjoyed the outside part of the pool. So occasionally I would get out of the pool (indoor) and check my phone to see if anyone called or texted to find out where the party was next. No one contacted me, then the last time I checked Steve (Beth’s youngest) had texted me. I said we were in the pool, well I never saw him. In the meantime Tammy and I decided we had better get dry and head for dinner as a lot of the food places we close if not early.